Season 3 Episode 4: Interview With Separation and Divorce Specialist Andrea Hooper
IN THIS EPISODE
Divorce isn’t just a legal process—it’s a financial and emotional rollercoaster. In this week’s episode of The Money Collective Podcast, we sit down with Andrea Hooper, Divorce and Separation Specialist, to talk about the hidden costs of separation, the realities of navigating finances post-divorce, and the importance of financial empowerment for women. If you think your only options are hiring an expensive lawyer or figuring it out on your own, think again—Andrea shares how coaching can help you take control, make informed decisions, and move forward with confidence.
We dive into practical strategies for preparing your finances before separation, understanding joint assets, and protecting yourself from financial blind spots. From securing documents to managing credit scores and creating a financial plan, this episode is packed with essential advice for anyone considering or going through a divorce. Whether you’re already in the process or just want to be prepared for the unexpected, this conversation will equip you with the knowledge you need.
So, what does a financially empowered separation look like? How can you avoid costly mistakes and keep control over your financial future? Tune in as we unpack the real cost of divorce, how to navigate it with clarity, and why financial independence matters more than ever.
OUR GUEST
Divorce and Separation Specialist Andrea Hooper
Visit her website to learn more or engage her services: https://www.simplifyseparationdivorce.com.au/
-
Welcome to The Money Collective podcast. We're here to uplift your financial wellbeing. Your hosts are me, Mel Pearce and Darlene Neu. We are the co-founders of The Money Collective and together we have over 50 years of finance and banking experience. We provide the tools, information and guidance to better understand your money and feel confident making money decisions.
00:21
Hey everybody. We have got the wonderful Andrea Hooper with us today from Simplify Separation and Divorce.
00:29
And look, we have been getting to know you over the last few months and just love every single conversation that we have.
00:37
So you are a separation and divorce coach and I think that a lot of our services go hand in hand and the customers and clients that we help, there are so many similarities on the journeys that.
00:51
Going through, but today we really wanted to invite you on to our podcast because we think that you've got a wealth of knowledge and it's just one of those conversations that we really wanted to share with our audience.
01:03
So welcome Andrea today to the Uplifting Your Financial Wellbeing with The Money Collective.
01:09
Thanks so much, Mel. Thanks for having me. It's really great to be here.
01:12
Really excited to be here today. And I completely agree. I think every conversation, you know, we've had since we've met and it's just such alignment, you know.
01:22
The work that we're doing and particularly around, you know, helping women and financial empowerment.
01:28
And I suppose my specialty certainly is separation and divorce.
01:33
So tell me a little bit more about your background and how you got into this niche.
01:38
Well, I suppose that it's, you know, quite a natural evolving journey.
01:43
I suppose I think everyone finds, you know, through.
01:46
I am actually a career coach as well, so. I certainly do notice what happens for others. That's happened for me. You know, I had my first career working in corporate world.
01:56
When I've had beautiful family and and then when my own separation and divorce happened, I then stepped out and became a coach of a qualified counsellor now.
02:09
And yeah, I was just really more working in the leadership space.
02:13
Actually my qualifications have got a Bachelor of Organisation organisational leadership, butin I always had a side hustle and always have had that sort of entrepreneurial mindset I suppose and through my coaching.
02:26
A lot of people along the way who in that world of pain from separation and divorce, then I suppose mine was, you know, over still, it's actually nearly 14 years ago.
02:37
So, you know, I suppose I've been in that space for a long time.
02:41
I know the system and a lot of friends I've been able to help along the way along the journey to stay out of the way and you know, and try and have a far better experience than I had because I didn't have a me to shine that torch in those, you know, those holes.
02:56
Don't go there.
02:57
I know.
02:58
And it absolutely astounds me that you and this like somebody like you prepared to get in the middle of the muck of like a divorce.
03:05
Like it's got to be one of the hardest things that we could go through during our life.
03:11
And we're going to get through to some of that nitty gritty today.
03:14
Like the money is so hard, you know, and we are so emotional and we're tied to our beliefs through this time like so I just think it's amazing that you want to actually.
03:26
Do this and get in and help people because Oh my gosh, I would be like, I help in some elements, but like not in the actual nitty gritty of getting the actual things done to help.
03:38
Because people get stuck in this for months and years or don't even make decisions to because they're scared or they don't know how to go about it.
03:46
And we think that the only way to separate or divorce, and this is my own perception, is that you either get a lawyer.
03:53
They're going to be so expensive.
03:56
Or you've got to do it yourself.
03:57
And then doing it yourself, you assume that, yes, you could do it amicably.
04:02
But like, at the end of the day, can you?
04:03
And what's fair and reasonable and all the emotions that got caught up in that, you know?
04:09
So some people just simply stay in bad relationships because they don't even know what to do.
04:14
And then it gets harder and harder. And that was me 100%.
04:18
Yeah, right. That's so amazing.
04:21
So today I want to kick off and talk about, like, some of the realities of divorce.
04:27
And what are some of those hidden costs like or even before we get into that, did you want to talk a little bit more overall and more broadly about the service that you do provide at Simplify?
04:37
Yeah, for sure.
04:39
Look, I think Mel, there's no, there's no single journey that is the same.
04:43
That is what I want all listeners to know today there.
04:47
You can't look at somebody else's journey and say I want that journey or I don't want that to.
04:53
You know, we know what we don't want for sure.
04:55
You know, we don't want to go down that combative journey.
04:59
So I suppose the services that simplify are offering is really knowledge is power, it's educating on the system.
05:07
For people to understand what are the micro costs, but also what are the macro?
05:12
So it's really important to understand the broad journey, but it's important to do a debt diet so that they know what's coming their way.
05:20
Because with that knowledge, they can make really informed choices.
05:23
And hopefully those informed choices are around staying true to themselves, not getting sucked into the vortex of the weeds and the combativeness that we often see around us and in the movies.
05:35
And you know, it's everywhere.
05:36
Doesn't have to be that way.
05:37
It can actually.
05:38
You can separate and divorce with kindness.
05:41
There's absolutely no doubt.
05:42
And if you can't, you can still be true to yourself and leave with your own dignity and respect, regardless of what the other party is.
05:50
You know what their choice is around their approach.
05:52
I think that is so key.
05:54
And So what is your approach with your clients?
05:57
Do you work with them one on one?
05:59
Are you generally working with the women or can you work with a couple?
06:03
That's a really great question, Mel.
06:04
I started out really wanting to work with women.
06:07
You know, my vision was having a collective of millions of women, you know, all coming together from across the globe to be able to really.
06:17
Support each other out of the way, right?
06:19
So not having that toxic, you know, conversation that just drags people down.
06:25
It's really about, hey, you know, this is our future.
06:28
This is how we're visualising our .
06:30
Future. So I started out with just women, probably a little bit nervous about helping men because of my own lived experience.
06:37
So I was a little bit, you know, I was very nervous about that.
06:40
But being a coach and being a leadership coach, I'm working with men all the time and I and I.
06:46
Amazing men in my life.
06:47
Like I have two sons who are just great people.
06:51
I have a wonderful partner and you know, I have one.
06:54
I have four brothers, by the way.
06:57
So I just find out all that bad, you know, it's not that bad.
07:01
So I was challenged by a friend who had a male friend who needed help and just said, hey, why don't you just test it?
07:09
So I did.
07:09
So what I found in those meetings was I didn't realise the influence that I was going to be able to have.
07:16
So and it really was a genuine, this person just didn't have the information and and their ex wife, you know, they weren't responding.
07:25
They were still living in the house.
07:27
They wouldn't move.
07:28
And when we had the conversation, it was about why do you think she's still in the house?
07:32
What what's going like?
07:34
Where does she work?
07:35
And he said, oh, she's always been a stay at home mum.
07:36
And I went, oh wow, that's her identity.
07:40
What is your identity?
07:41
So you know, what do you think?
07:43
With standing her shoes just for a moment and have a think about.
07:46
What life outside of that house look like you're at life and you just have this light bulb moment of like oh wow, I never thought of it like that.
07:55
Yeah so he changed tax.
07:57
So he started to help her get things done around the house in preparation for sale but not pushing fail.
08:04
It was done for her time.
08:05
He helped her explore, you know different options for different accommodation and and it was just it just changed, you know the whole so I can absolutely work with.
08:18
And can you work with a couple together like in that case to bring them on the same journey to make decisions together?
08:25
I'll be really honest, I think working with couples pre separation is where the gold is, right?
08:32
It is. It is efficient, it is cost effective.
08:35
I have couples sitting at a table not liking each other very much.
08:38
However, they really love their money in their pocket rather than in the pockets of lawyers.
08:44
And so I can. Work with those couples.
08:47
I can actually do consent orders.
08:49
You don't need to be a lawyer to do consent orders.
08:51
However, I do have some lawyers who I really trust that they will look after my clients.
08:57
So I ensure that they do get legal advice before they do go on this journey.
09:02
It might only be a couple of hours making sure they're getting their superannuation checked, things like that.
09:06
So they've been making really informed decisions, but it's really empowering to.
09:12
See these couples negotiating, you know, at the table and and actually coming to agreement on things because.
09:18
The other option is not so great.
09:20
It can end up $100,000 each down a toxic combative legal journey.
09:25
You know, that they, you know, depending on their assets or when the complexities of course.
09:29
And that's what sounds amazing to me because you're that middle person, but they're not going to see lawyers.
09:35
Well that like you said, they, you can involve the lawyers, but you're actually helping them mediate that those discussions and coming to some sort of agreement instead of them just facing off on different sides of the table.
09:47
I mean, that sounds so scary and you know, you just want to avoid that and most people do want to avoid that, but then don't see that there's any other option at all, particularly if you're not on great speaking terms.
10:00
And who knows what's going down on a in a relationship, you know, to make those situations just completely.
10:08
Impossible, correct?
10:09
Absolutely.
10:10
And I, I do make it really clear that I do not give legal advice.
10:14
My support is and services, they are not legal services.
10:19
And if there's any mediation required, I will engage with a qualified and experienced family mediator, family law mediator.
10:31
So but what happens is when they understand the cost of all of that, they're very happy to come to their own decisions.
10:36
The other thing.
10:38
Also, Mel Betty's goal here is the children that are involved, you know, the children, a lot of the children of the, the couples that I'm working with don't even know what's going on.
10:46
Like they, they have done such a great job and through coaching them through that around removing the trauma for children.
10:54
So what happens in the room, stays in the room when I'm with them.
10:57
So a lot of them have really and, and you know, and I support them to do private parenting agreement.
11:02
And the other thing is I'm making sure that everything is transparent.
11:05
I if there's working with couples, our emails.
11:08
Joint, any information is transparent from the table.
11:11
If I am suspicious of non disclosure, I will always suggest that they go and seek legal advice.
11:17
I will never support someone to end if I know that there is financial non disclosure, which I'll talk a little bit about furthering.
11:24
Yeah, OK, so that brings me back to like just that first question around like those realities of divorce and those hidden costs.
11:31
What are some of the costs or the main biggies that people need to be aware of?
11:36
Well, maybe actually, where do we begin?
11:40
I think what we probably would be good to start with is thinking about the financial picture.
11:47
I think if that's how much to start on that track, like what happens first before we look at those hidden costs.
11:53
So what I, when I'm working with couples or or actually a lot of women I am working with, they are reaching out to me before they have even planned to separate.
12:03
They just want to inform themselves about what that looks like.
12:07
So what I say to anyone before separation is really about make sure you're gathering.
12:10
Your information, making sure that you have a complete understanding of your joint financial situation, including your income and your expenses and your assets.
12:19
We look at budgeting, making sure that they're tracking their income and their spending so they know what they have available to them once they leave that relationship.
12:29
That's really important.
12:30
It took me 6 months to personally, I, I actually ended up getting a second job and you know.
12:38
I was actually doing cash involved delivery at one point.
12:41
Yeah, Like to make sure that I had the money aside to be able to afford to leave.
12:46
You know, that relationship is that because you had done your numbers and you'd worked it out and you realised that you were not in a position to leave, correct.
12:55
Because you couldn't afford your life.
12:57
And that's probably, Yeah, that's what most people would be in that position going.
13:04
Well, I can't.
13:04
I'm stuck in a relationship because my partner's working.
13:07
I can't afford my housing and my life.
13:10
And so it's about knowing how much your life costs.
13:14
And you know, and what it's going to look like afterwards.
13:17
So whether you can, you'll own your house, whether you'll be able to pay them out, whether you're going to have to be renting.
13:24
And I suppose for me, like from my perspective, like what is a worst case scenario?
13:29
So like we talk about resilience in money.
13:32
So like what if the worst case happened and let's say I needed to move out and right now today, and I think we all kind of need a backup plan in our lives.
13:42
Because we never know what's going, what's around the corner.
13:45
Can, and this is where that financial independence is always important too, particularly for women, you know, So what is that backup plan?
13:53
And that's why always knowing your numbers, not just when you need to, because then sometimes it can be too late and too hard and make decisions harder.
14:02
And then but then you're going to have to motivate and get the right people around you to support you to do the things that you need to do.
14:09
But it all comes down to knowing your numbers.
14:12
Absolutely, and also having an awareness of your credit score, it's another thing that people just do not think about.
14:19
Making sure that you have your own credit floor established, you know, keeping an eye on your joint accounts to protect that credit score in case of divorce.
14:27
Another thing that you know, I guess there's hidden costs, but there's hidden knowledge that we just don't think about when we're thinking about separating divorce.
14:38
Even assessing your joint account, you know, and shared properties than anything else that's jointly held.
14:45
And making sure that you're securing your individual accounts before formally separating.
14:51
And also the other field that you like.
14:53
So if you've got joint accounts, just making sure that you're, you've got accounts that are in your name and that your income is going into your account, you understand what your living expenses are.
15:03
And also can I just go back to the credit reporting and the credit score thing?
15:09
Because the reason why that's important is because if you need to borrow money, so if you need to put the home loan into your name, for example, the banks might not lend you money if you've got a poor credit.
15:20
School and sometimes in a divorce when people aren't talking, the home loan doesn't get paid.
15:25
That's right.
15:26
Is that the main thing?
15:27
Yeah, absolutely.
15:28
And the other part of that is knowing that you can call your bank or your lender and talk to them about hardship.
15:35
So I I immediately called my bank that our home loan, joint home loan was was through and and they were just amazing.
15:47
They can't.
15:47
They stopped the repayments for a period of time.
15:51
Until I could and it's just communication as long as you're communicating with them and they know what's going on, they will support you.
15:58
It's they're really incredible and as soon as you start communicating with them and you've got a plan with that bank, then they won't it won't impact your credit score like they just stop reporting and you won't get a bad record.
16:08
But if you start getting a bad record, start going into arrears and this happens because people are in denial sometimes and they don't even know how to access their bank accounts.
16:16
They're not even looking at it or they're making assumptions that somebody's paying for it or.
16:21
Are so scared and don't have the information available that they are not don't don't realise the impact that it's going to have if the mortgage isn't repaid.
16:28
Because sometimes that feels like such a small thing in the whole scheme of life or we're so overwhelmed.
16:34
But if we do some some of this stuff now then it's going to seriously help later.
16:40
That's right.
16:40
And I think it leads I think that really is a great segue into the next piece, which is around securing your documents so.
16:47
There's often one party and whether it's the the wife or the husband or the, you know, whichever partner it is, if they're not married and de facto it's a one party generally manages the finances.
16:58
So it's really about making sure that you collected the party that doesn't manage the finances that they're collecting and securing copies of all of the important financial documents.
17:07
That's including tax return, bank statements, mortgage papers, any investment account details, taking copies of them.
17:15
Often it's, you know, done very quietly, but it's making sure that you that you're as informed and even knowing how to go to the bank and ask for what is in your name because a lot of people have.
17:29
Liabilities as well as assets in their name and they're not even aware.
17:32
Yep, how do you.
17:36
What if, how do you, what if you want to know like joint assets or something that your partner has?
17:41
Like that's another element that's harder, isn't it?
17:44
Like if you're not really over the top of all the finances, what would you say to somebody then I would ask, I would suggest for them to reach out to their accountants confidentially.
17:55
So accountants are bound to have those conversations in confidence.
18:01
The only thing is if the partner that's managing the finances if they're accountant is a personal friend or a family member.
18:10
They're in a bit of a rock and a hard plate.
18:13
There are certain certainly lots of ways that you know, you can have someone disclose.
18:18
What I say is don't get too hooked up on that before you separate.
18:22
Just access what you can.
18:24
And then you know, someone like if you go to a lawyer, that's completely fine.
18:28
They will help you work through that.
18:29
That we can.
18:30
We've got a whole checklist, you know what you need to gather and if it's not there, the options that are available to access that information.
18:41
No, that sounds really good.
18:43
I think that probably is a good segue just into the next bit, Mel, just around engaging or consulting with a financial advisor with what you do have access to.
18:52
And that's really just to or or an accountant.
18:56
I always say an accountant or a financial advice would live experience.
19:00
Are the best to engage with, but that's really just to understand the financial implications of divorce is really crucial.
19:06
And that's not to say you're going to say because of the money.
19:10
It's just so that you can make a plan of what you need to do before you leave because they can help you with their the potential division of assets and tax impacts and and your financial future.
19:21
Absolutely Yep, no, that sounds really good.
19:24
And then I suppose like the role that we would play because we are neither of those things.
19:28
So we're financial well being coaches.
19:30
It's been also about that how do I survive or what do I need for myself to what are those basic living expenses and how am I going to get what I need to make my balance sheet work my everyday insurance and outs and life?
19:42
Yeah, yeah.
19:43
And I always say once people have met with that financial advisor or that accountant, Mel, it is critical that they are educated, they are informed and they are empowered.
19:53
And that is definitely where the money collective comes in for sure.
19:56
Yeah, absolutely.
19:58
So I think once once we've.
20:00
Ordered our clients, you know, to create that pre separation strategy.
20:04
That's when we have all the knowledge of our clients.
20:07
We we are connected, we have that report and that's when we can support them to engage with an aligned family lawyer to seek advice.
20:16
We match them with family lawyers to make sure that and and we always say interview, you know, three family lawyers and we can go into those meetings and advocate and support because we know exactly.
20:29
What to look for to engage with that?
20:32
Family lawyer that's going to really advocate them on their behalf.
20:35
That is so amazing because I would say that most people would just be asking somebody for a referral if they've known somebody who's had a divorce.
20:42
Who did you use, you know, and then not doing that interview process.
20:46
And it's just hoping for the best and that somebody has your best interest in heart at heart.
20:53
And yeah, and particularly stay at home moms, you know.
20:57
They're incredibly vulnerable.
20:58
You know that they've been the caregiver and it's really important that they are financially literate in the really early stages of separation.
21:05
So that comes into like this financial empowerment, you know, so how can people like that really empower themselves post divorce?
21:14
Like what strategies would you have down to down post divorce?
21:19
Yeah, by that point, by the actually I just might give you a little story, just it is actually a client who stay at home.
21:31
Mum worked part time in her passion, you know, wasn't bringing a lot of income in just love to help people.
21:37
Three grown children like the youngest had turned 18, so she had stayed in that marriage until her.
21:44
This often happens a lot of couples stay together until the children become adults.
21:49
Sometimes it's real.
21:50
There's pros and cons to both.
21:54
She was not, she honestly all she had with the card and she was just told just to use that card, just have it.
21:59
There's always money in it.
22:00
You don't need to worry.
22:01
So when it came time, you know, after over 30 years of marriage to to separate after a decision that they both mutually made, she had no idea what was in her name, like what she had, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.
22:19
So I supported her to go to the bank.
22:24
She walked out with a lot of statements, right?
22:26
What did that mean?
22:28
So I worked with her on how to use a spreadsheet.
22:31
I taught her how to put all of those bank accounts into basket, how to dive deep into them.
22:37
We'll go to the last few years and it built a story.
22:40
Especially built to worry about her financial world that she had no idea existed.
22:44
Yeah, by the time that that were always, by the way, it stopped at mediation, which is what you want.
22:50
You don't want it to go to trial, right.
22:52
If you they weren't in a situation where they could amicably separate.
22:57
OK.
22:58
So there was just no way they could do it.
23:00
There was just too much. There was too complex, too much emotion involved.
23:04
So they decided to engage with lawyers. By the way, a lawyer for anyone that isn't aware, cannot represent a couple, they can only represent a single individual.
23:15
So when you engage with boys, you have to have a lawyer each.
23:17
So that's double the cost, right?
23:19
So by the time they got through to the end of mediation, I was so proud of her.
23:23
So I attended mediation as well with clients.
23:26
So I am non legal emotional support.
23:29
We set an objective before we go in there and an outcome so I can support them to stay to that.
23:35
Because it gets really heated in mediation and you quite often forced to make a financial decision that you don't.
23:40
To make.
23:41
So by the time she left that mediation with everything resolved, I realised how far she had come.
23:50
She was making decisions.
23:51
We look back for only six months earlier.
23:54
She had no idea.
23:55
Because you can't make a decision when you don't know the information, correct?
23:59
And information is power.
24:01
Yes, her financial literacy was through the roof.
24:04
She was a smart girl.
24:05
She just didn't have to worry about that over those years.
24:08
She was.
24:10
I cannot tell you how many times I've heard people say I'm bad with money.
24:13
I don't know anything about money.
24:14
I don't manage the money.
24:16
I'm like, that is literally just a load of crap most of the times.
24:20
Like the capability of most women is much higher than what they people give themselves credit for and the self talk that people say.
24:28
And so you've just got to start taking those first steps, getting accountability and support and somebody in your corner to help you is going to make the world a difference.
24:35
And you've just got to start building that confidence.
24:37
And of course you've bloody got the capability.
24:39
You know, it's just finding that right information.
24:42
It is.
24:43
And I think if you want some, you know, high level topics.
24:46
That post of both and financial impairment, it's about like some of those practise practical tips are certainly around setting up those independent bank accounts, rebuilding your credit, planning for the future goals, your time and all your children's education, whatever that is.
25:00
Really much of that really think about your retirement planning, right, Really important, you know, revisiting those goals because they've changed and you may need to save more aggressively or adjust your investment strategy depending on what you circumstances are.
25:14
Really thinking about your insurance and beneficiaries, people don't know that the number one thing they should do when they separate is go and change their will, right?
25:22
The number one thing, Wow, I wouldn't have thought that either.
25:26
Yeah, update your insurance policy, our superannuation, like it's like as if super doesn't even exist.
25:32
And I think women have got that mentality too.
25:35
They're just like, oh, he can have the Super.
25:38
I'm talking from the fact that it's generally men who have got more superannuation because women are generally caregivers and they don't feel entitled to it.
25:48
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
25:50
What are you seeing now?
25:52
You know what I mean?
25:53
Like, like, because women, it's still definitely a problem where women have less superannuation statistically in Australia compared to men statistically.
26:00
Yeah, absolutely.
26:01
Well, I think what I'm seeing now is that women are becoming more savvy.
26:04
Great.
26:05
You know, they really, they're really working out how to have side hustles, you know, and they're working that around their family.
26:11
So they may have two part time jobs, but and, and they're also, and I'm one, I went to university in my 40s.
26:21
Because I knew that's how that was going to get me ahead in my career.
26:23
Yeah, right.
26:24
So I've worked full time and did a part-time university degree.
26:27
So women, women are very resourceful.
26:30
That is one thing that I will say.
26:32
I think you know the other thing my lawyer kept saying to me.
26:35
Can you please go and change the beneficiaries on your insurance?
26:39
Policy and it took me about 3 months to do it because it had to be done by paper.
26:45
I didn't have a printer.
26:46
I was working full time.
26:47
I couldn't go and get that deck.
26:49
And except they're making it a lot easier now like a lot of things are done online.
26:54
They're very important to change your beneficiary in you.
26:56
And I suppose yeah, we have those old stories and we forget how much technology is changing because you, if you your divorce was 14 years ago is that right?
27:05
Yeah.
27:06
And so then we hear people's past stories about how hard things are, but it's not even necessarily true.
27:11
Things could be much easier.
27:12
We just need to start taking the steps.
27:15
Hey, this is Mel and this is a good interruption to the podcast. To let you know that we've got an online course. It's a 12 step program that covers everything that we talk about when it comes to financial wellbeing, which includes the psychological aspects as well as tracking and reviewing, understanding where your money is going, creating a new budget and a banking structure for yourself. All of the tools and resources are right there within the course. It costs $249 and if you want to get started, make sure you head over to our website themoneycollective.com.au
27:43
Can I raise another topic?
27:45
So just thinking about this post divorce situation and child support payments as well and like, so just thinking if you've got young children in a relationship and they're still school age because you mentioned school fees and things like that.
28:01
And in the event it's post divorce, how do you come to agreements with your ex or the.
28:11
Other parent of the children on making decisions about what school they go to who pays the school fees, etcetera.
28:20
Do you know what I mean because I think going down a child support using the Child Support agency would be like a last resort but I think that there's a fault in that system too where.
28:34
You that doesn't resolve issues like who pays for what.
28:37
Still, it just makes sure that there's a balance between payments between parents.
28:41
How do you actually make decisions?
28:43
That's a really great question.
28:44
There are best case scenarios, of course, to that, Mel.
28:47
And that's where the couple agree that, you know, the choices they had already made for their children's future remain, right.
28:54
So, but what that comes down to is affordability as well.
28:57
So if children are going to a government school and that just remains, you know, off it goes.
29:03
It's it's when there's there's been, you know, a desire to send a child to a private school, that comes down to affordability.
29:11
With child support I've learned a lot.
29:14
I used to have the same thought as you about it being a last resort.
29:17
I've learned a lot over the years about child support.
29:20
Child support is actually a first resort.
29:23
Child support has been.
29:25
Created to support those who who have a far less earning capacity than their ex partner to be able to afford life.
29:38
OK so it is there for a reason.
29:40
It is elite and I know a lot of people get wound up.
29:43
I pay child support right?
29:45
So my ex husband and I have at different times.
29:50
Been in different stages of our career.
29:52
OK, so at one point when he was in between jobs I was paying him child support.
29:57
OK, What I wanted to know is that my children, if they're within 50% of the time that he can afford to actually live with the kid, right?
30:07
And vice versa when it was the other way around.
30:09
I know he probably wasn't as happy about paying child supporters as I was, but at the end of the day, without that, I would have been homeless.
30:18
So child support is actually a service.
30:22
That is critical lower income earner.
30:24
I see that but like sometimes and just from experience of clients that we've had sometimes child support when the you have to pay child support when you're on.
30:35
A very low income yourself and barely making ends meet and then having to pay the Child Support.
30:40
I've seen people and there and then their wages are but going straight, you know, if they've got a child support debt or something that they have to repay that they have to go back and live with family.
30:51
They can't even support their own lifestyle.
30:52
They've had to sell houses.
30:54
So like if the person paying is on a low income, that becomes very hard.
31:00
Yeah, I'll never be on a lower income than the other party.
31:03
No, never.
31:04
Yes, never.
31:05
Eddie, the person paying the Child Support will always be on the higher income.
31:08
But I do agree with you that the system is broken.
31:11
There is absolutely no doubt.
31:13
And I do think that one thing I do want to say is when someone separates, they need to accept that life as it was will not be the same in the future.
31:23
So if they've had assets and properties and etcetera, etcetera, we need to be prepared that the reality is that they may have to be sold.
31:30
I had to sell a property that I bought when I was 21 years old.
31:33
Right.
31:34
It was a that was my superannuation that was for our children to go and live in etcetera, etcetera.
31:39
I had to sell the property, you know, because we've been together for for so many years that have formed a part of the asset pool.
31:45
I had to accept that that is just life.
31:48
So I think when there's assets that are there.
31:52
And we're at the rich and cash poor.
31:56
They're just things, they're just material.
31:58
Go and get rid of them.
31:59
Go and get rid of them and be able to support yourself to live life until you can get yourself back on the feet.
32:06
You can buy down the track.
32:07
I, it took me, you know, a good ten years to get back on my feet.
32:11
And I have proven that you can, you can, I have built a plate, you know, so it and it took a while and I was renting.
32:20
Actually, I was able to.
32:22
I did buy my ex husband out from our house.
32:27
You know, I was fortunate to be able to do that.
32:29
But that comes from having a couple of jobs and being really savvy with my money.
32:33
Yeah, I had a really tight budget.
32:34
Yes, it's paid off.
32:36
Yes, yes.
32:37
And that's a little bit different for a while, that's all.
32:40
And being prepared for that being, you know, potentially 5 or 10 years.
32:46
And it really depends on the ages of your children, the stage and age in your life and what you really want to get out of it and I think.
32:53
Do you have any advice then for staying motivated?
32:55
Like, what are the things that help people?
32:57
Like, I suppose it's support people having people around you or.
33:02
What would you look like?
33:03
Yeah, 100%.
33:04
Ithink our friends and our family, you know, there's so much shame attached to separation.
33:11
And it was really interesting.
33:12
And I'm going to be a little bit vulnerable here in talking about my experience, but I come from a family of five children.
33:18
I'm the youngest, and I have four brothers who are all in, you know.
33:22
Marriages, it wasn't exactly enticing.
33:25
That's, that's one of the reasons it took so long.
33:27
I didn't want to let mum and dad down.
33:29
You know, we come from, you know, the Catholic upbringing and, you know, regionally and, you know, the farm, things like that.
33:36
And by the time I had the courage up to go and tell my parents, they said, oh, thank goodness.
33:42
We're like, we saw this so long ago.
33:44
Say anything.
33:46
It's because it's not our place.
33:47
And then your friends come out and they go, oh, thank goodness.
33:52
So do you wish that they'd said something sooner?
33:55
Well, I know what I didn't because now I've seen with a lot of my clients, you need to be ready yourself.
33:59
You need to be ready with your own eyes and feel it and experience it.
34:03
It's not somebody else can come and say, hey, you know, it's time for you to leave.
34:07
And, you know, we had a, you know, a great marriage at a point in time 100% , thatyou know, what we wanted in life?
34:14
Change.
34:15
You know, that was just the way it was, but there's certainly family and friends now.
34:20
Absolutely.
34:21
I, I do say please, there are divorce coaches everywhere now and they're here for a reason.
34:26
I'm really, I do divorce coaching, but I'm also a separation specialist in that I roll my sleeves up and dive in with the logistics of separation.
34:35
So I help people find accommodation if they need it.
34:37
I help people go to their lawyers.
34:39
I help them get their accountants and their, their bank statements.
34:42
I teach them lots that I educate them.
34:45
Even right down to, you know, childminding and childcare and you know, because that's really tough to leave your children with someone when you've never done that before.
34:54
So I build up that with them as well.
34:57
I love this.
34:57
You've just like made me realise that it's all about information, right?
35:01
So even for you, like you didn't want to do it for the shame of a failed marriage because you thought you'd be judged by your family and friends.
35:10
But if you said like, oh, I'm leaving, you know, this is what the plan is and you would have.
35:15
That you didn't need to hold that shame.
35:18
I think like if I thought about it personally for me, like I'm very attached to like the money side of things and being able to maintain my lifestyle.
35:28
And I think the money shame is a would be a big thing for people as well to go well, I can't afford life or life looks dramatically different.
35:36
But at the end of the day, no one gives a shit.
35:38
You know, they love you for who you are.
35:40
They don't it doesn't matter if you're renting.
35:42
They want you to be safe, you know, and we think.
35:45
So much about how other people are going to judge us, but we really need to stay true to ourselves and find the information that we need.
35:52
So whether it's information about our money and we just need to resolve ourselves, it's a bit like what you were saying.
35:57
It's the reality of life.
35:58
We just need to face the facts and be OK with it and stop judging ourselves.
36:06
What based on what we think, how we think other people are judging us because it's so often not the case.
36:11
And I think we need to also remember, for those of us with children, we need to look at the type of role model that we want to be for our kids in life.
36:20
How do we want their adult relationship to be?
36:22
Because their adult relationships will generally match and mirror what they've seen at home.
36:27
And for me, I think it was the day I woke up when one of my children was quite upset, you know, that this was ongoing.
36:35
And I just looked, he was only probably, gosh, I think 10 maybe.
36:40
Yeah, 10, maybe 98 even.
36:43
And I looked at him and went, oh, my goodness, what are you seeing?
36:47
You know, we think we're we're hiding it.
36:49
But of course.
36:50
They can't hide anything.
36:52
No, and they've seen that unconditional love is not there, but they could see it in their brain phones.
36:56
They go to their friends house and they come home and say, oh mummy, they get along so well like, and they love each other.
37:02
Why can't you do that?
37:04
So you know, it's about that role modelling as well.
37:06
And, and what I'm role modelling now to my children is how to have a really healthy, independent, unconditional loving relationship with someone.
37:16
You know, I've had that second chance to be able to bring that into their world.
37:20
Well, thank you so much for sharing your personal experience with us today because I just think it makes conversations so much better for that vulnerability.
37:28
So absolutely, thank you so much.
37:32
And just before we leave, I know that you do so much fantastic work and that you will offer a no, no cost, obligation free consultation if anybody wants to reach out to you.
37:47
How can they reach out to you and connect?
37:50
So our website is https://www.simplifyseparationdivorce.com.au/
Feel free to go on there. My details are all on there. There's a button that you can Click to book a yes, It is a no cost strategy call.
38:06
The reason I'm calling it a strategy call is because I make sure that anyone that is calling me that is in that space, they are leading with a strategy to move forward.
38:15
And then and then we can go from there.
38:17
But you know, it's just it's that, as you said, it's that, you know, that really first step.
38:22
But I will probably just end with saying.
38:27
Leave for anyone out there that is considering separating, just look at your finances.
38:31
Create that just a broad loose financial plan.
38:35
Develop awareness of your spending triggers.
38:37
That's a you know, that's a huge one before you separate.
38:41
Good to look at that.
38:42
Work with professionals, whether that's a therapist.
38:44
If you feel you need to go to a lot of people say go and get a lawyer.
38:47
Just be careful, OK, because you need to want to know why you want to go and get a lawyer.
38:52
What's your outcome?
38:53
First of all, engage with a divorce coach.
38:55
You know that it's in your world.
38:58
You know, and really just take that first step by seeking that financial education and, and guidance in early in the separation process.
39:06
For sure.
39:06
They don't have to navigate this very often challenging journey alone.
39:12
And by the way, can I say there's 1% that don't have some type of trauma attached.
39:19
So if you can, if anyone out there that's listening wants to.
39:23
Lessen their trauma, have a more cost effective and have it more efficient.
39:27
Please do reach out and and I can explain how that happens.
39:31
I love that so much.
39:32
Thank you so much, Andrea, for joining us today.
39:35
You know, thanks for having, it's been an absolute delight having this conversation.
39:40
I think I could fill up, you know, half a dozen of your podcast.
39:43
I think so too.
39:46
No, well, we'll definitely have to come back and have a round two sometime.
39:50
So thank you again and we'll catch you next time.
39:54
Thanks a lot, Mel.
39:55
At The Money Collective we provide financial wellbeing, premium coaching, mortgage broking and workplace financial wellbeing programs, which we couldn't do without the seamless support of our fabulous team. If you'd like to find out more, head to themoneycollective.com.au or our socials to take action and engage our services. In our Facebook group, join the conversation and help us break down the taboo around money. All content in this podcast is for educational purposes only and is general in nature. For tailored personal advice please seek out a professional.
This podcast provides general advice only. It does not take into account your objectives, financial situation or needs. Before acting on any information provided, you should consider the appropriateness of the information and the nature of the financial product in regards to your objectives, financial situation and needs. We recommend discussing your personal situation with a financial professional.
Podcast by:
MEL PEARCE & DARLENE NEU
Co-Founders, Financial Wellbeing Coaches and Mortgage Brokers
The Money Collective
Book a chat about money with Mel
Book a chat about money with Darlene
LOVE OUR PODCAST AND KEEN TO SEE CHANGE IN YOUR FINANCIAL WELLBEING?
Our online financial wellbeing course is available with all the tools, guidance, and information you need to continue your journey of financial wellbeing, get started now!
Take the Financial Wellbeing Quiz to understand your level of financial education and resilience.
Read more about Financial Wellbeing and get some quick tips to get started.