Season 3 Episode 2: Money and Gaslighting
IN THIS EPISODE
This episode dives into a topic that’s fascinating and important—money and gaslighting. With over 50 years of combined experience in finance, your hosts Mel Pearce and Darlene Neu break down how money dynamics can subtly influence relationships, self-esteem, and decision-making. This isn’t just about numbers; it’s about the stories we tell ourselves and the power we give (or take) in financial conversations.
In this episode, Mel and Darlene explore real-life examples of financial gaslighting and its impact—especially in households where one partner manages most of the spending. Is it really "overspending" if you're buying groceries and covering essentials? Or could this be a case of misplaced blame? They’ll unpack the emotional toll of gaslighting, the societal narratives that perpetuate it, and how it can lead to long-term financial disparities, particularly for women.
But it’s not all doom and gloom—Mel and Darlene share practical steps to reclaim your financial confidence, starting with understanding your numbers and opening honest communication. Whether you’ve experienced gaslighting or simply want to strengthen your financial relationships, this episode offers valuable insights and actionable advice. Tune in to discover how knowing the truth behind your finances can empower your decisions and relationships.
KEY QUESTION IN THIS EPISODE
Why should I know about offset accounts if I have a home loan?
-
Welcome to The Money Collective podcast. We're here to uplift your financial wellbeing. Your hosts are me, Mel Pearce and Darlene Neu. We are the co-founders of The Money Collective and together we have over 50 years of finance and banking experience. We provide the tools, information and guidance to better understand your money and feel confident making money decisions.
0:21
Hey Darlene.
0:22
Hey Mel, back for another episode of uplifting your financial being with a team TMC. Yes, that's it.
0:30
Cool.
0:30
Well, I'm very excited to be chatting running again.
0:33
It's always good to get it all off my chest like we can save up everything that we wanna.
0:39
Yeah, exactly.
0:41
Get off our chest about money.
0:43
We have so many thoughts and feelings about it all the time.
0:46
We do.
0:47
And it's an endless, you know, content of topics we can do for that.
0:52
That's right.
0:53
You could do some Microsoft for weeks and hours on it.
0:56
And I'm really loving our new set, so I hope you like it.
0:59
You're probably listening in the car, so it doesn't matter.
1:01
But we're looking good if we are on YouTube as well.
1:04
So if you wanna see it, I think too, like you can even look on Spotify.
1:09
Can't you like and watch videos?
1:11
I don't think many people do that.
1:12
I don't do that.
1:13
I don't do that either.
1:14
But just in case you're on your computer and you're listening, that's it.
1:18
We have made.
1:20
So not only the set, but hopefully our audio is a little bit better.
1:23
Like, I think that we've had some episodes in the past where we're like, oh, what are we doing?
1:27
We're trying to up the ante, Be more professional yourself.
1:30
Third season.
1:30
So, you know. Yeah, up in the ante.
1:33
That's it.
1:34
But keeping the same format.
1:35
So we're going to talk about the truth.
1:38
We're going to talk about a bit of a main topic today.
1:41
It's going to be gaslighting and money.
1:44
And then a bit of a question and put in some mortgage broking hints and tips always at the end.
1:49
So I'm going to put through you out there for the truth first.
1:54
Yeah, go for it.
1:55
All right.
1:55
My truth this week is that it got a little bit of a surprise, but it's still an unknown.
2:03
My hubby come home and I think I might have talked about last time, you know, he had job security.
2:08
Yeah, job security.
2:09
But the business is actually paying both.
2:13
OK.
2:16
So, yeah, last week you were disaster planning and, you know, the roller coaster of life and not that I mean, because, you know, you never, well, my idea is you never bank on bonuses because they probably don't occur.
2:30
And if they do, it's, you know, a little windfall.
2:33
But it has got me thinking around.
2:36
I don't know how much it is.
2:37
Firstly, it could be $10.
2:39
What are we going to do with it?
2:42
Like and, and our philosophies around windfall, so inheritances, bonuses, tax returns, you should be really deliberate.
2:53
Definitely.
2:53
And what you're going to do with it.
2:55
So it's got me thinking, I don't know.
2:58
Like what am I going to do with it?
3:01
Be very deliberate.
3:02
It should not be absorbed into the household budget.
3:05
So I I don't have an answer to what to do, but I do not want to be deliberate.
3:09
Yes.
3:09
So it has to.
3:10
My point is he has to align to your personal values.
3:12
And if your personal values, you haven't gone on a holiday for five years and that's great.
3:16
But otherwise you need to have those really good conversations.
3:19
And I think given everything, you should have like these goals already that you're trying to achieve.
3:24
So how does that money slot into the goals already that you're trying to achieve?
3:29
And we need to keep that balance too, because you, I'm going to just like solve all your problems for years because you and Dennis are both savers.
3:36
So like, but I know that you have got a holiday coming up next year as well too.
3:42
So hang on.
3:42
Yes, the holiday theme is coming out here, Mel.
3:46
I mean, Mel came back from her holiday and it's so inspiring because and it's such a good reminder if you have a family value and when we work a lot, you know, it was it's a really great time to create awesome memory yes, and really connect with your kids and your family.
4:04
So that's what I've taken away and just that really good reminder and let alone how you refresh and you change perspective.
4:11
So as you know, Lily's 13, Logan's 23, and I think it's a chance that we floated it with them to go to Europe and they're both super, super keen.
4:24
So we'll probably go the middle of next year.
4:26
So that's sort of a lovely idea for that money is just to park it in that account somewhere.
4:32
Because you did kind of mention that last week too.
4:35
Like what were the plan was?
4:37
How are we going to like where's that, you know, where you going to pull the money from or whatever because that could be one thing.
4:42
So, yeah, I think just putting it, but we need to have that big holistic perspective of our financial position isn't it's like our asset position, our liability position, our expenses and exactly debts, whatever is going out.
4:57
So, yeah.
4:58
And then line that up to whatever our goals are for life, you know, and what the priorities are and have that big pitcher thinking instead of being small and going we do this right now, but what's that 35 or even longer term pitcher?
5:13
Cause the other thing, what happens if you deliberately put that money towards that thing and everybody draws that correlation of where it come from, everybody in the family or or Dennis as well as as me and the kids.
5:29
Yeah, we would make those kids aware, our kids aware that it's actually really good to say, well, you know, if you've got a value of working hard, don't know whether you have, but got a bonus out of that.
5:41
And that bonus is going towards our spending money, you know, in Europe.
5:47
And I think because we just put it into our normal bank accounts normally and it gets washed up into everyday living, you know, we, it gives us a little boost.
5:56
You know, it makes us feel good about the stuff we do because we can draw the correlation of something that we love and we value.
6:05
So I think it's actually really good for our wellbeing.
6:09
But our mental health, if you do something deliberate with it and you can say, Oh yeah, I, I did that, did that thing, yeah, that piece of money.
6:19
So and that that for me relates to inherited any, any windfall.
6:25
Just get really deliberate and you'll appreciate the much.
6:28
And the other thing is like the conversation, talking and discussing this with your partner because like some people like, well, that's my bonus.
6:34
I'm buying a new car or they make a decision based on because they're the income earner of that and making those decisions.
6:41
I don't think that ever really washes well or leaves a good taste in the mouth for the other person.
6:47
That's really fascinating because Dennis never buys himself clothes.
6:51
Never, never, never, never.
6:53
All right and haven't got the little cash phones yet, whatever that might be.
6:57
And he went out, I was away for the weekend on a girls weekend and he went out on his own and bought 2 pairs of his favourite jeans, 02 a 179 dollars.
7:08
Wow, that all lasted good.
7:09
But he was really pleased because he saved $79.
7:13
I always said they're on sale.
7:14
It's exciting.
7:17
But I reckon he might not draw that link, but I reckon it's related.
7:21
It's given him permission to do something for himself.
7:25
So really.
7:26
So that your behaviour.
7:27
But it's funny how we think about money then, isn't it like our self worth and our what?
7:33
Is really linked to what we're paid.
7:36
And the money that we have.
7:38
Yeah, definitely.
7:39
So he, he just went off and did it like on his own.
7:44
It's so interesting actually.
7:47
So my thing is a little bit about that self worth as well.
7:51
And mine's very subtle because I've been talking both me and Percy and my partner are both self employed and we run our own businesses.
8:02
And I think over the last five years that he has thought that I've got this little business and it just kind of makes ends meet type of thing.
8:12
And it's like, I think he wants it to do well.
8:15
Like he's definitely behind us to go, this could be something good.
8:19
Like in the possibility that it's, you know, you know, does amazing things and earns heaps of money.
8:27
And I think the way that I've been talking about our business lately and particularly this week, he's like, he's like looking at me differently, like, and I'm like, he hasn't said anything.
8:38
So This is why I'm saying it's so subtle, but it's like, oh, I really get that feeling that he thinks that I've got a good business and it's worth something.
8:47
Like I'm playing almost in the man's world now, like I'm playing with the big boys.
8:51
Like he can see there's a difference.
8:54
There's a shift or something.
8:56
And I'm like, I think that's right.
9:00
But I think so interesting.
9:01
I think that comes from because you're behaving differently.
9:06
And whatever we do, the language we speak, you know, how we talk about it, how we talk about it and what we're saying to.
9:14
Yes.
9:15
And what he's he's he's picking up on between the lines as well to go, oh, this is something, this is oh, OK, paying attention.
9:25
And he even he this morning when he woke up, he's like, oh, I had a dream last night that your business is worth like heaps of money.
9:31
And then you said no, like, you know, like, like he's dreaming about my business now.
9:38
And I like, OK, maybe it's not so subtle.
9:42
He is saying words.
9:47
And but and then it's funny what it does to me too, because I've always, I've always had the self belief in this business too.
9:52
But we are being operating a little bit differently, having different conversations.
9:58
And do I want that to like this is linked to myself worth and like the validity of like the all the hard work that I do all the time.
10:07
And that is intrinsically linked to money as well.
10:09
Like how much are we earning?
10:11
What are we doing?
10:12
How are we making our decisions?
10:14
Yeah, that's right.
10:15
And what somebody's perception is of running a business like, because we've made hard decisions like the last few weeks too.
10:20
And like, I don't know, for some reason that makes a difference too.
10:27
All of it, right.
10:28
What you put out there, I think is what you get back.
10:31
And the clarity, yeah, you know, the clarity and the belief and, and, you know, we've really worked on the road map and, and I mean specifically, you know, really specific on how we're going to achieve what we need to achieve.
10:46
And so once you've got that road map, it's clearer.
10:50
So you're going to talk about it.
10:51
So then I wonder what that does that does doing that in my own house, but what does that do to all of our other stakeholders as well?
10:58
Maybe.
10:59
Let's keep going, darling.
11:00
Let's keep going.
11:02
That's right.
11:03
Like what your own self belief does within yourself and how that has a rippling effect around you.
11:08
That's.
11:10
I reckon that is probably our biggest brand selling point.
11:15
Because yeah, self belief, you know, that aura around you that's people believe it too, you know?
11:21
And I think just the other thing in business, and I'm just going to say it out loud and make it public, is just the because you can make business decisions and be a business person.
11:30
And then I've always been in conflict with my own humanity around that around because there's also humans and real lives involved and striking that balance.
11:40
And I think sometimes, to be honest, we don't get that balance really because we could maybe be too sympathetic and you know what I mean?
11:49
And I struggle with that internally, that conflict because and living in this capitalist world of like, what are we building?
11:55
What are we doing it for?
11:57
And what does success mean?
11:59
All of those reasons and what do we want it?
12:01
And we can say we want to do it because we want to change people's lives because we really do want to make an impact.
12:06
But to actually get to that level, you have to have your own level of ego as well.
12:11
Like to go, I am going to do this, I'm going to lead it.
12:15
And it is and it is, I think it's that continuous cease all, you know, because to level up to to to level up, not be cold when you're running a business, you've got to be really warm and inclusive because you know, we're aligned to our values.
12:32
So we want to live that way.
12:34
But then, but what it is, it's not also our job to do that for others.
12:39
And I think sometimes when you're a business leader, you feel really responsible for your people.
12:46
And I think responsible is responsibility is actually not what you should have.
12:52
No, I think, yeah.
12:53
I think that's a key lesson that I've been learning.
12:56
If you don't I and think about it, if you reverse it and think about I don't want anyone to feel responsible for me.
13:03
Yeah, I'm responsible for me.
13:05
I don't need anybody to feel responsible.
13:08
And you can still walk through life with empty and kindness at the same time.
13:13
Absolutely.
13:14
And sometimes people need support.
13:17
But I don't.
13:19
I think shifting that mind, belief that you're not responsible for others.
13:25
Well, thank you.
13:27
Like I said, this is very great talk about.
13:30
Right.
13:30
Let's see how it all goes.
13:31
We'll keep you up to date, you know, updated without.
13:36
Like philosophy.
13:39
Anyway, so today the key component of what we want to talk about on our podcast is gas lighting.
13:46
We want to, and I know we've talked about this in different ways in different formats, but it just keeps cropping up, doesn't it?
13:52
It really, really does.
13:55
Gas lighting and money.
13:56
Gosh, there's so many stories, case studies that that come to mind.
14:05
But I just want to start with a very common thing that we see through, you know, coaching and working with couples.
14:17
And I've, I say this particularly the first time buyers, you know, if we're working with them, is that always keep an equal seat at the table because subtly over time, what we see is that one partner has lost their self esteem when it comes to themselves, which is their whole life.
14:38
But it's sort of linked to how money is played out.
14:41
So if you, you know, stayed home and looked after your children and you haven't been bringing the money into the household, then you might have outsourced the decision making of that.
14:55
But I also think the gas lighting component of it is that, you know, the other partner actually starts gas lighting not realising that they are actually, you know, saying you're not good enough with money or you spend too much.
15:11
The most common 1 is that you spend too much.
15:15
You spend too much on discretionary spending and you know you need to stop that.
15:22
You need to reduce it.
15:23
You need to reduce it, you need to reduce it so that person gradually believes that that's what they're doing.
15:28
Where if you look at the numbers, when we go back, because we do the work, look at your past numbers.
15:33
It's more common than not.
15:37
It's not what the belief is.
15:39
The money is actually being spent by the other partner.
15:42
And most commonly, this is men gaslighting women, to be honest.
15:47
And this is not to say in any way, shape or form that women don't gaslight because they certainly do.
15:52
But in most, like what we see mostly is that women might be working part time or be having the majority of the caregiving duties and are doing most of the household spending.
16:03
So they're buying all the essential stuff for the household.
16:07
And then that's being construed as spending.
16:09
Like that's not discretionary spending.
16:12
And then what we hear is when those women come in and talk to us or they might be even coming with their partner and they're like even saying, oh, I'm so bad or she spends so much money.
16:21
I yeah, I've got a I'm, I'm the problem.
16:24
I don't know how to manage money.
16:25
I'm like, she's managing the shoe, your money.
16:29
She's like, she's like made sure that you've had food on the table for the last 20 years of your life.
16:36
They all those kids have clothes and shoes and going to their sporting events.
16:40
That is not discretionary spending.
16:43
And, and often because of that, the fear or the self doubt and the guilt and the shame that the woman in this scenario that I'm saying is feeling, they actually don't do a lot of the discretionary spending because they've got so much fear around it.
16:57
And then what happens is we dig into those freaking numbers and guess who the spending's coming from Reality.
17:04
It's not reality.
17:05
And often the person who is the gas lighter is the big spender and might be doing the big purchases or doing that other stuff 'cause he's just, I'm so being sexist here in this, in this podcast, it is the majority male.
17:19
And I think that comes from in the majority women become the primary caregiver.
17:24
So they're it is into the household.
17:26
And also we're also talking generationally too.
17:29
I'm in my 40s, you're in your 50s.
17:30
And we're talking about this time in our life.
17:33
And like, because the way people of our age were raised is men were meant to be strong and powerful and, you know, be the provider.
17:42
And we are know that we're living in 2024 and we're trying to shake that.
17:46
And I can see our younger generations are doing an awesome job and learning from our experiences, but it means that we are still living with the fallout of the beliefs that we were all raised with and the gaslighting from the men in.
18:04
I keep.
18:04
I hate being so sexist anyway.
18:06
But in this case, it's coming from that place where they need to seem like in control and powerful.
18:15
So if they're looking at the numbers and they're putting, you know, or if they can't justify something, they're putting it back onto the other person because it's more of a woman's place to be less powerful, to be softer, to be more caring.
18:29
And we kind of do this role playing, which is insidious.
18:33
And what it does is it erodes the person who's being gas lit, their self confidence, their self belief, and they start believing the narrative that's been told to them.
18:44
I see it all the time when women believe they're the spender and until you look at the facts.
18:49
Yeah, all the time.
18:51
And they, they absolutely believe they are and that they need to rein in.
18:55
That's always the first thing.
18:56
Oh, we're not getting anywhere because she's spending all the money.
18:59
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
19:01
So I would really, you know, for anyone listening out there, go back and look at the numbers and challenge the reality.
19:10
Yeah, 'cause I think it's the numbers and actually having the information at hand that changes the dial.
19:14
Like where you can actually look at reality, 'cause I can even relate to this.
19:17
Before I knew how to manage my money, I I would have thought that because I'm the one daily out buying things.
19:25
I agree.
19:26
This relates to my money story.
19:28
I can so so when I was growing up as a child and you know, we were middle class family, my mom would go and buy us.
19:36
So I needed, I can remember a school jumper vividly.
19:39
I needed a new school jumper.
19:41
She bought a school jumper, but I had to hide that for two weeks.
19:44
Yeah, before I brought that out.
19:45
Yeah, that's an exact example of what you're saying, that my dad valued new cars so we would have a brand new car every second year.
19:56
Yeah, that's what we did.
19:59
But mum was the spender.
20:01
Yeah, was deemed as the spender.
20:03
And how did you see that play out for your mum?
20:05
Oh, definitely.
20:07
That self belief around money.
20:11
It was definitely not there that marriage didn't work out.
20:13
So if you want to know how it really worked out, Yeah.
20:17
I was about 16 when they split.
20:18
And then my mum, she was a worker.
20:22
My mum, you know, just said got on with it.
20:24
So this is what causes, like, divides in relationships.
20:27
It's totally.
20:28
It starts breaking down the trust between two people.
20:31
Because your reality is distorted and you're trying to adopt somebody else's reality.
20:37
And yeah, which isn't even true.
20:40
And then over time and over years, like the self confidence of the person who's being gaslit is so it becomes so low, like their ability to even get back into the workforce.
20:53
And then the other person is like maybe just still climbing that corporate ladder ends up with all the superannuation.
20:59
The person feels so much shame when they and that the fight is too hard when they actually go to divorce, that they don't fight for what's rightfully theirs because they haven't earned the money.
21:08
They've spent all the money and because they feel like they don't have the skills and they've got this low self esteem.
21:13
We've talked about this in the past.
21:14
You take the dreams of work, you know, just whatever you can get the slops, I've called it.
21:19
That's what we call it.
21:19
You call it.
21:20
You take the slops because you feel like you don't have the skills and belief that you can do anything else.
21:28
And part of it is because of the gas lighting that's diminished yourself esteem over that period of time.
21:34
And that just continues to play out.
21:36
So if you look at you both get 65, you know who's got what if in a divorced situation, like if you've separated maybe at 40, Yeah.
21:48
And then by the time you get to that stage, because, yeah, one person is going to end up with a whole lot less because they haven't had the big the big job, the money earning, they haven't got the superannuation, they don't have a great job.
22:01
And they've cared for the kids the whole way.
22:04
Self esteem has diminished.
22:08
And so, yeah, that, yeah, that belief even after divorce of what you do, that is why women in their 50s and the most at risk of being homeless, that's exactly right.
22:17
In Australia, because they stayed home, they've been the primary caregiver.
22:20
They've possibly lost all their self esteem and the marriage breaks down and then they don't have enough in reserve to buy a house.
22:30
So how do and they don't have the skills they feel to to get decent paperwork to pay the bills.
22:36
Yep.
22:36
It's just this massive compounding effect.
22:39
So compounding and money is huge.
22:42
And that's the thing like, like going back to what you were saying about getting a bonus and the compounding effect, if you put that into something that's going to grow an asset or pay down debt, the compounding effect of everything that we do is huge.
22:54
And, and on the reverse of it, gaslighting has a compounding impact on your self esteem, on your self esteem and your belief system.
23:02
So, and I think most people just aren't even aware of it.
23:06
It's not especially when you're inside of the relationship.
23:09
Yeah, 'cause when you're in it, you can't separate from it.
23:13
You can't see it.
23:15
It, it, it just happens over time.
23:17
So, yeah, just critically think, you know, I put it out to everybody critically think about what conversations and relationship and how it actually is.
23:30
And then check reality.
23:32
And it's really important too, because if you've been caught out by this aura inside this at the moment and you've got children, because people around our age have got kids who are growing up in their teenage, you know, whatever age they are, like let's make sure our kids aren't doing this.
23:48
And if you're a gas lighter and or somebody who's listening to this and going, Gee, I think I'm doing some of that the the what that's great.
23:59
Let's keep that awareness happening.
24:02
And you probably are not a massive whole really.
24:07
If you can or if you've got the acknowledgement, I think we all have elements of like it's deflecting, you know, it's like that where we don't want to take the blame and go, oh, that's all your fault.
24:16
Like hang on, what have you been doing?
24:18
And then you leave the other person questioning the whole situation.
24:23
And just to bring you so other examples that people might relate to, if you're in a relationship and you're working less hours or you're not working and your partner's working, what are those conversations when it comes to money?
24:38
Are you equal or is it viewed you're not doing much during the day?
24:44
I mean, this is a common one, right?
24:46
It is all the time, you know?
24:47
So if I do anything for yourself, then that's viewed as, oh, you've got an easy life and I'm working super hard.
24:54
Yes.
24:56
And again, yeah, just be more aware of that and come to the the table with the money conversation because there's a belief that you're then wasting money.
25:07
That's right.
25:08
You've got more time.
25:09
You're wasting money, you know.
25:11
And you're doing it or you're not contributing your fair share to the family and.
25:15
Oh, yeah.
25:15
And often we hear that the person is contributing more than the other person to the actual relationship and feels like crap and you can't see it when this is all happening.
25:25
But that is complete manipulation of the reality of what is Yeah, definitely to make somebody it's just somebody preserving their own ego and manipulating the other person.
25:35
It really is.
25:35
Think about your bank accounts.
25:37
It's it's not all we definitely advocate for visibility across all the money that's coming in the household.
25:42
That's right going and join.
25:44
You know separate bank accounts cause a problem and and like you pay for this with your income and I'll pay for this with my income never works in my experience.
25:54
No, because so much happens in life.
25:57
And what happens if you can't maintain that anymore?
26:01
You know, we need to put it all in the one bucket and we all need to pay for what life that's right required.
26:08
Own it and review it and review your numbers and where's it being seen and get reality rather than an assumption or a belief of where the money's going.
26:17
Because that, that's where the distortion, the truth is in the numbers, not in the talk.
26:22
Yes.
26:23
Yes, yeah, look at the facts and, you know, and open communication with with your partner, Yeah, to really come to that correlation.
26:33
But can I say it?
26:35
It doesn't happen instantaneous, you know, it just doesn't.
26:38
So, you know, I've coached people where you actually have looked at the numbers.
26:43
And there's still a view because of the most story that that number still hasn't, you know, is caused by the spending of basic things.
26:53
So somebody comes to mind and they're, you know, spending.
26:58
It's not even that exorbitant, you know, might be 3000 a month on groceries.
27:02
I think it's around that number.
27:04
And there's a clearview from the the male person that that's too much.
27:10
But if you actually look at where all the money's going, it's really focused on one line.
27:15
One line.
27:16
Yeah, rather than the whole big picture and where it's going.
27:20
Why it's going to where could we form a picture in our mind about what our problem is we spend here and then we latch onto that too.
27:27
But you, we need to really look at where all of the money is going.
27:31
The rest of it, yes, we do have to eat.
27:34
After all, you know, it's pretty primary.
27:38
And the other problem is like going 5050 on things.
27:42
Yeah, like, you pay your fair share and I'll pay this fair share.
27:46
Like that's not fair.
27:48
No.
27:49
Usually in any sense.
27:52
No.
27:52
And I know that we do talk about, like keeping an element of independence, too, is also important.
27:57
Like financially, the most important thing is that keeping the seat at the table.
28:03
No, your numbers know yourself worth session.
28:08
Yes, you know this stuff.
28:10
Don't don't let a piece of you, you know, feel lower because of that gas lighting that might be coming.
28:18
Just be more aware of it and come back to the table, know your numbers and you know, have good conversation.
28:25
And the other thing is what you were saying, I think you were going down the track of this takes time.
28:29
Like you might pull it out and you got go.
28:31
This is the problem.
28:32
And then you might realise, hang on.
28:33
When we look at the big picture, it's more than that, but still you keep coming back to that one line, keep coming back to it because the problem isn't the spending behaviours, it's the psychology.
28:45
And we all know that like the our mental health takes, you can't flick a switch and change the way that we think.
28:53
You can't flick a switch and change our beliefs.
28:56
Like you believe that spending and that spending line to be a problem for so many reasons and that's ingrained for you to have developed and formed that belief.
29:06
You can't flip the light switch on.
29:08
Sometimes you can and you go, but it depends on how deep or what's going on.
29:13
It's the reason behind it.
29:14
So I would suggest, like, if that is happening as well, you really need to visit your money stories and both parties, you know, go down the money story route and try and understand what you believe to be true about money and why that correlation with that line might be.
29:33
And it also comes back to our ego because we don't want to let go of our belief pattern because it will destroy part of us.
29:39
Yeah, but we feel lesser, you know?
29:41
Yeah, that's right.
29:41
I mean, you know, I also see, you know, guys in a relationship, again, we aren't really gender based, but they feel the burden that they've got to do the earning to keep up the lifestyle of the family.
29:52
And so I think that also causes gaslighting.
29:56
Because it's just a mechanism of survival.
30:00
Well, and to cope coping them to keep pushing Uber out because I'm doing all this and, you know, we do that to the ones we love the most, right.
30:10
So, yeah, so really, yeah, really if you're one of those people, really be aware of it, mind you, to be just your way of getting rid of your frustration versus obviously being really helpful.
30:25
So once you have the awareness that this is you're getting, you're experiencing elements of any of this is that's the first obvious thing that awareness is the most critical part.
30:36
And then just it's not going to just change overnight and you're not going to just turn flip the switch for your partner.
30:43
And it's a work in progress.
30:45
Yes.
30:46
So one thing I'll leave you with, if any of this has resonated with you, go back, open up your bank statements and and actually go through the past three, hopefully 12 months if you can, you know, got the time and effort to do that and actually look at reality and then have a really good chat with your partner in a constructive, you know, why start the conversation off the back of the facts.
31:14
That's it.
31:14
And stand up for yourself.
31:16
Yes.
31:18
Don't believe.
31:18
We'll go and then go to, you know, the second thing after that would be to really understand money stories.
31:24
Yeah, good luck.
31:26
Very good.
31:27
OK, so we want to leave you with a question today and we want to talk again.
31:34
We want to bring it back to home loans and mortgages because most of our listeners have home loans and it's like the biggest, most expensive cost we have.
31:43
But also if we know how they operate a bit better, then we can get better gains and save **** loads of time and money off our especially time with a compelling impact.
31:55
God.
31:56
So we want to talk to you about offset accounts and how great they can be.
32:02
I want to start off saying that people have like think that they might not need an offset account and you might not need an offset account if you don't have any extra money to put in one, right?
32:12
Might not need one, but if you've got spare cash flow, even if you don't, if you've got a bank with multiple offset accounts and you've got a bit of a bucket system going, you even if your pay is coming in and you know you get paid monthly and it's sitting there for a week or two, that week or two.
32:32
Compound impact of reduction in interest over you imagine 30 years can be a lot.
32:38
But what I was going to say too is like people think that they don't necessarily need an offset account because the perception is that it costs money to have an offset account.
32:47
Well, would I pay the fees if I don't have money to put in an offset account?
32:49
This is true.
32:50
So people choose a basic home loan, no offset account.
32:53
So they don't have the fees, maybe a lower interest rate, but there's some great products out there.
32:58
There's some banks who don't even load up the interest rate or have a really small fee for offset accounts.
33:04
So it's about knowing what's available.
33:07
Definitely talking to a great mortgage broker like ours.
33:10
Yeah, well, it's actually then also I would say doing the numbers because it's even if it's got a package fee and a lot of them do, they might load the interest rate, say by .1 and this is very general.
33:21
Because Mel's right.
33:22
There's some options out there up to .1 and or they might have the same interest rate, but they might have an annual package fee like $395.
33:32
So what?
33:34
Yes, that's true.
33:35
So what I even if it is that product and you think, well, that product's really going to suit me, but I really don't love those fees.
33:42
But that's when understanding the compounding impact and the reality of your own situation and how much money is likely to be in there and actually work through what that interest saving is over a long period of time.
33:55
Because maybe it's worth paying you $395.
33:58
Absolutely.
33:58
Because you're going to save $100,000.
34:00
Yeah, over the term of your loan.
34:02
And $100,000 is probably worth about five years of your loan.
34:06
And if you can end your loan five years earlier, imagine your life there not making mortgage repayments.
34:11
Well, you actually get a double whammy hit because you've got no home loan repayment.
34:17
And that you can actually then do something extra with all that money.
34:21
Yes, that's going to create more return.
34:24
That's right.
34:25
So yeah, the sooner you pay your home loan, you know, off, the more money you'll have to do.
34:30
And I think people get really disillusioned about the ability to pay off a home loan nowadays because our home loans are so big.
34:37
And it feels like that will never happen.
34:40
Or in 30 years, I'm going to be 80 or whatever it is, whatever those feelings are that you've got.
34:45
But when you know your numbers and you know how to work a home loan calculator.
34:50
And what offset benefit means and how much money you'll save because this is the operating from the knowing and the unknowing not having the information.
34:59
If you don't know, you're going to have your own judgements.
35:01
I don't even need offset accounts.
35:03
I don't have money.
35:04
That's a belief.
35:05
I'll never pay off my home loan.
35:06
That's a belief.
35:07
Why bother, you know, oh, that fee's just not worth it.
35:11
Oh my God, money right now plug the numbers in and look at it and absorb that information for a couple of minutes or talk to somebody who can help you do that.
35:20
Oh my God.
35:21
And you realise, well, if I put away $50 a week or $500 a month or whatever it is that you can afford in your budget, because you know your numbers, what impact that's going to have is massive, huge time.
35:33
And the, what is going to give you the drive to do that is having goals in your life and knowing what you want and how you want to live your life and knowing the compound benefit.
35:44
So just coming back to the compound and you know, a repayment calculator should be one of your best friends.
35:49
If you have a mortgage on our website, there is a repayment calculator on the resources page.
35:55
Get to know it and how it works inside out.
35:58
And if you don't know, give us a call and we'll, we'll take you through how to use it.
36:03
There's there's something called an amortised station table.
36:07
And basically what that is, is if you're paying a repayment of 4000 a month, it will let you know as the months go on how much of that repayment is going towards interest and how much is going towards principal.
36:20
And if I pay those memory payments and nothing change what my balance would be at any particular time.
36:26
So any extra I do you, you get paying that and your balance is coming down lower and lower and your interest on that you're paying less interest.
36:33
So again, you get a double bit.
36:34
That's it.
36:35
So under because you pay interest based on the amount that you owe on your loan.
36:39
So if you pay a lump sum off or pay extra off your loan, every time you make that $4000 payment, you pay less interest to the bank and more principal down on the loan.
36:49
The principal is what you owe like and that's what we want to smash down.
36:53
So once we understand that principle of how my loan works, if I do this, then this happens instead of going 0.
37:01
This is a bit complex and hard.
37:02
I don't understand.
37:04
I'm done with money.
37:05
Like it's a if there's one thing that you should learn, it's how your home loan works.
37:08
Exactly.
37:09
Work out how your home loan works and and work with a great repayment calculator that's got an amortisation schedule like ours.
37:17
Like ours Exactly.
37:21
So I know that's a bit of information, but yes, offset accounts can be really helpful and understand.
37:30
Yeah, your number always.
37:32
And then you know what you can do with your payments and how much you'll really save and predict over time.
37:38
It'll, it'll, you know, spur you on.
37:40
That's it.
37:41
To really work with your money to pay the homeowner sooner.
37:44
So good luck.
37:44
Thank you for listening everybody.
37:47
Thanks.
37:47
Catch you next time.
37:51
At The Money Collective we provide financial wellbeing, premium coaching, mortgage broking and workplace financial wellbeing programs, which we couldn't do without the seamless support of our fabulous team. If you'd like to find out more, head to themoneycollective.com.au or our socials to take action and engage our services. In our Facebook group, join the conversation and help us break down the taboo around money. All content in this podcast is for educational purposes only and is general in nature. For tailored personal advice please seek out a professional.
This podcast provides general advice only. It does not take into account your objectives, financial situation or needs. Before acting on any information provided, you should consider the appropriateness of the information and the nature of the financial product in regards to your objectives, financial situation and needs. We recommend discussing your personal situation with a financial professional.
Podcast by:
MEL PEARCE & DARLENE NEU
Co-Founders, Financial Wellbeing Coaches and Mortgage Brokers
The Money Collective
Book a chat about money with Mel
Book a chat about money with Darlene
LOVE OUR PODCAST AND KEEN TO SEE CHANGE IN YOUR FINANCIAL WELLBEING?
Our online financial wellbeing course is available with all the tools, guidance, and information you need to continue your journey of financial wellbeing, get started now!
Take the Financial Wellbeing Quiz to understand your level of financial education and resilience.
Read more about Financial Wellbeing and get some quick tips to get started.