Money and Gaslighting

 

Money and Gaslighting: Clearing the Financial Fog

Gaslighting is a term most of us associate with toxic relationships, but it has a surprising and often-overlooked partner: money. Financial gaslighting is a subtle yet impactful dynamic that can affect how we view ourselves, our spending habits, and even our relationships. While it can feel overwhelming, understanding the signs and taking proactive steps can help you break free and reclaim your financial confidence. Let’s explore how to recognize financial gaslighting, how to respond to it, and why the numbers never lie. This blog is based on the discussion in Episode 2, Season 3, of our podcast – ‘Financial Wellbeing with The Money Collective’.

 

What Is Financial Gaslighting?

Imagine this: you’re managing the household finances, buying groceries, paying bills, and ensuring everything runs smoothly. Yet somehow, you’re repeatedly accused of being "terrible with money" or "spending too much." Over time, you start doubting your financial decisions and questioning whether the accusations might be true. This is financial gaslighting—a manipulative behaviour that undermines confidence and shifts blame unfairly.

While financial gaslighting can take many forms, it often stems from societal norms where the primary earner traditionally held the financial reins. Even today, these outdated dynamics can manifest in relationships, creating imbalances in financial decision-making. Gaslighting isn’t always intentional—it can be a learned behaviour—but its impact is undeniable, often eroding trust and creating resentment.

 

How to Spot Financial Gaslighting

Financial gaslighting often begins with subtle remarks. Whether or not it is intentional, it usually gradually escalates over time. Common red flags include:

  • Repeatedly being told, “You spend too much” without context or evidence.

  • Feeling guilty or as if you need to be defensive about essential purchases like groceries or school supplies.

  • A partner insisting on controlling all financial decisions, citing your “poor money habits.”

  • Interfering with your work such as dictating how many hours you do and possibly even where you can work.

  • Basically making you second-guess everything and lose your self-esteem when it comes to money.

Gaslighting thrives in ambiguity. Without access to the full financial picture, it’s easy to internalize these criticisms and assume they’re justified. But if you’re questioning your financial competence, pause and assess: Are these criticisms supported by facts, or are they baseless accusations designed to shift responsibility?

Why Numbers Don’t Lie

One of the most effective ways to counter financial gaslighting is to turn to the hard data. Sit down with your bank statements and create a clear breakdown of spending categories. Often, what feels like “overspending” is actually just essential household expenses. In many cases, the real discretionary spending might come from the accuser—think impulse buys, hobbies, or big-ticket items.

This exercise is empowering. Seeing the numbers in black and white allows you to separate perception from reality. It’s also a powerful starting point for honest conversations. When you approach discussions with facts rather than feelings, it’s easier to challenge misconceptions and set the record straight.

 

The Emotional Toll of Financial Gaslighting

Gaslighting isn’t just about dollars and cents—it’s deeply emotional and intrinsic to self-concept. Over time, constant accusations and blame can erode self-esteem and create feelings of inadequacy. Women, in particular, often face this dynamic, especially if they’ve taken on caregiving roles or work fewer hours outside the home. The result? A sense of financial dependence and a loss of confidence in their ability to make sound decisions.

The long-term effects can be devastating. Relationships strained by financial gaslighting often see one partner disproportionately affected in divorce settlements, retirement savings, and overall financial stability. Women over 50, for instance, are among the fastest-growing demographics at risk of homelessness in Australia—a sobering reminder of why financial equality matters.

Reclaiming Financial Confidence

The good news? Financial gaslighting can be addressed, and confidence can be rebuilt. Start by opening the lines of communication. Honest, judgement-free conversations about money are crucial. Share your findings from your spending analysis, set clear financial goals together, and agree on a plan that respects both partners’ contributions.

If discussing finances feels daunting, a financial coach or counsellor can provide valuable guidance. Their objective perspective can help bridge gaps in understanding and ensure both partners feel heard. Reclaiming your financial power is also about personal growth. Remember, your worth isn’t defined by how much you earn or spend—it’s about aligning your actions with your values and taking control of your financial future.

Conduct a Review of Your Past Spending

See our Spending Review template in our website Resources which you could use to get started, or create your own. A Note Before You Take Action: Unfortunately, gaslighting is commonly used by narcissist personality types and most likely alongside a gamut of other coercive control techniques. Being gaslit can be a symptom of the start of a slippery slope into financial abuse. But it might also show up on its own with no underlaying malice. Read more about financial abuse and how to spot the signs on the MoneySmart website, and see the support services at the end of this article. We also published our own blog and podcast on Money and Narcissism you may find relevant and practical.

While you’re looking at your money, here’s some elements to consider about how money flows into and out of your household and the responsibilities surrounding that;

  • If it is usually one persons task to take care of the money admin like paying the bills and doing the transfers, could the other partner alternate undertaking this job, so they also understand these things?

  • If it is usually one persons task to do the grocery shopping regularly, can this task again be undertaken by the other partner on occasion or alternatively?

  • Can everyone access all the money in your household?

  • What type of account holds most of your household income and why is it that type over others? (ie. Savings account, offset account, etc)

  • Is household expenses money kept separate from discretionary spending?

  • Do you and your partner both have ‘fun money’ or ‘discretionary’ money to spend on things you enjoy to enrich your life?

(These questions and more are explored in our financial wellbeing group coaching program and online course).


Building a Gaslight-Free Future

Breaking the cycle of financial gaslighting doesn’t just benefit you—it sets a powerful example for future generations. Children learn about money from observing their parents, so fostering a culture of respect and equality around finances is crucial. Show them the importance of shared responsibility, open communication, and valuing each person’s contributions.

For those who recognize gaslighting behaviours in themselves, take heart—awareness is the first step toward change. Reflect on why these patterns exist, and actively work to adopt healthier communication styles. Whether you’re addressing financial gaslighting in your relationship or teaching your children better habits, you’re paving the way for a more balanced and empowering future.

 

At this point it’s a good time to let you know that we’ve got a podcast and blog that talks all about the important elements for creating interdependency with your financials within a relationship. Check it out next!

 

Final Thought

Financial gaslighting can feel like a heavy cloud hanging over your finances and relationships, but it doesn’t have to define your future. By arming yourself with facts, fostering open communication, and prioritizing mutual respect, you can clear the fog and take charge of your financial wellbeing. Remember, the numbers don’t lie, and your worth goes far beyond the balance in your bank account.

Ready to take control of your financial story? Contact The Money Collective for resources, coaching, and tools to help you navigate your journey. Let’s make financial empowerment a reality—one conversation at a time!

RESOURCES IN THIS EPISODE

Get to know the truth about your numbers with our handy Spending Review template in our website resources: https://www.themoneycollective.com.au/resources

SUPPORT

Money can bring up a lot of emotion. If you felt triggered by some of the things we discussed in this episode please reach out to us or see some supports you may wish to reach out to below:

Listen to the full podcast here: https://www.themoneycollective.com.au/podcast

 
 

This article provides general advice only. It does not take into account your objectives, financial situation or needs. Before acting on any information provided, you should consider the appropriateness of the information and the nature of the financial product in regards to your objectives, financial situation and needs. We recommend discussing your personal situation with a financial professional.

Blog article by:

MEL PEARCE
Financial Wellbeing Consultant and Co-Founder
The Money Collective

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Financial WellbeingMelissa Pearcefinancial wellbeing, relationships, money conversations, Budget, spending review, relationship, communication, spending money, spending, expenses, gaslighting, equality, gender, money story, money behaviour